9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Worth remembering.
United Steaks of America
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.