9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.