9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If only
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs