9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
courtroom exchange of the day
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I am HOWLING at this
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.