9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.