9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
You Might Also Like
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
How do you milk an almond?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My work here is done
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’m sorry…what?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT