9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him