9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
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NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups