9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”