9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I falcon love using swear birds
Me too
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.