Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

I’m sure it’s fine.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours