9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean