9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins