Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.