9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
What my back needs
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”