9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.