9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Don’t we all.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?