9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.