9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
no such thing as a dumb question
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.