9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?