9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
He just like my cat fr
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*