90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
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[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral