90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.