90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.