90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.