90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
doing some research
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.