@daddygofish

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

You Might Also Like

@LurkAtHomeMom

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

@

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

@freypalm

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

@The_MartiniGirl

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

@DamienFahey

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

@E_lok44

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

@tartadepollo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@ericsshadow

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.