90% of parenting is crumb identification.

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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”


ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.


I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”


Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.


Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.


Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.


Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.


I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.


DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course


I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.