90% of parenting is crumb identification.
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.