90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Breaking news:
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?