You Might Also Like
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or