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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.