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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Meanwhile in Canada…
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
a lot to unpack here
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
who wore it better?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats