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Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs