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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
me, after any kind of buffet.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
– tie with ribbon
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…