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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please