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Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁