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There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.