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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
What the hell happened here.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
X-tra spooky blend
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face