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I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
This kid will have a bright future.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I cannot stop laughing at this
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good