911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]