911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
You Might Also Like
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Weirdly Wednesday.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping