[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.