911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The biggest mystery of our time
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
some cats are just doing for fun!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??