“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.