“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
This was my dad’s browser history.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.