911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
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wtf management?!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My last name is Zilla.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
There is no “we” in pizza
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.