911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Same pineapple, same
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Breaking news:
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
No, he would not have.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.