“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
what’s the point then??
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs