911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?