@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

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@LnL245

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

@Eithercryingor

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@cepheusjackson

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

@TheTweetOfGod

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@_yesChef

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future