Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
You Might Also Like
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future