“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
This came to me in a dream.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together