911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
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Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
decorating my apartment
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.