911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Day 2 of my diet
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”