-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”