-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso